I read a few stories about people striking up a relationship with the crows near their home, and I rather like the idea. My parents’ have a large yard. Crows are present. I’m a nature nerd with a love of projects. Sounds like great idea to pursue!

I liked it mostly as a notion, a potential possibility, until I mentioned it to me not-so-wee nephew in the card I sent for his 9th birthday. He was all on board, and passed along the message that he will feed them when they come visit this summer. They are coming the only week I am out of town, and as someone who loves being an aunt but is currently unable to see any niblings, this timing is grating. No way am I going to pass up this chance to bond with a kid I adore.

When I originally thought to do this, I wanted to do it in a way that didn’t make the crows too territorial about the house. I’d heard they can become rather possessive, chasing away guests and the like. The obvious solution was to center the feeding near the pond. Not only is it a reasonable distance from the house, the crows might even chase off the Canada geese that regularly try to make themselves comfortable.

In order to keep other critters away, the best course of action appeared to be to start feeding them up near the house, where we see them most often. Over time, I could move slowly down the hill to the permanent snack-time location.

​I talked to my family, and they’re all on board. I got some raw, shelled peanuts and cayenne pepper to deter greedy mammals. Now to initiate contact!

​

June 1 – Despite being in the yard quite often, this was the first evening we’d seen any for a while. I decided that the next morning would the day to begin.


June 2 – Put 6 peanuts in a jar, gave them a quick spritz of water, a dash of cayenne, and gave them a shake. I placed them on the ground near the old play fort. No crows were in sight, but they often hang in that area. Checking later, nothing had touched them aside for a few ants.

I mentioned to my fabulous brother that maybe I should put the peanuts on aluminum foil since crows do like shiny things. He suggested I use his dog’s shiny chrome water bowl he’d just replaced. That seemed like an even better idea, especially with the plan to move where they get the treats. It also addressed some worries I had about my not-so-wee nephew taking over. If the crows learn to love the bowl, they’ll hopefully not terrorize the person bringing it outside.

I also realized that it would be better to let the crows see me bring out the peanuts, so they know that they are for them.


June 3-7 – No crows were seen, and the peanuts near the play fort remained virtually untouched.


June 8 – Two crows seen in the early afternoon! Not wanting to waste this opportunity, I put 6 peanuts in the dish, skipping the cayenne. I walked out towards them. They flew off once I got within 15m, and I set the dish down close to where they’d been saying, “These are few you!” and walked away. I didn’t see any crows or anything else approach the dish.

I left for a few hours. When I returned home, I noticed a crow near the corner of the house. As I came closer, I saw it see me before it flew off, cawing. I went to check the dish and all the peanuts we gone without a trace! I couldn’t be 100% sure they were taken by the crows, but I felt encouraged.


June 9 – Not sure if I should wait until they see me or if consistent snack time was better, I set 6 more peanuts – with cayenne this time – out at around the same point in the afternoon as the previous day. No crows were seen, and when I retrieved the dish in the evening, only one peanut was taken.

This led to two thoughts.

Thought 1: Since only one peanut was taken, IF it was a squirrel or other mammal who took the previous day’s peanuts, then the cayenne worked to deter them today.

Thought 2: Especially since I’m still trying to initiate contact, setting the dish out when I wake up may be a better option since the crows are more active in the morning and evening.


June 10 – Set dish of 6 cayenne-seasoned peanuts further out into the yard around 8am. It was completely empty before 10am. Yay! No idea what took them.

Around 11 am, saw three crows. Quickly grabbed 5 peanuts (I miscounted) and walked towards them. Like before, they flew away before I got close. I placed it near, but not quite in, the area they’d been hanging. I got my computer and set myself on the porch to watch while I worked.

After a few minutes, they returned. One looked curious and slowly approached the dish. However, one it got with a meter, a mockingbird dove at it. The crow retreated. The trio nibbled their way across the yard, further from the dish. Wanting to communicate that the peanuts are for them, I moved them closer. Again they flew away.

I watched them for a while, as they made their way across the yard, increasing their distance from my offering. Looking for advice on the internet, I found a Reddit post from someone who also lives in rural Arkansas. Like me, there are crows around, but no clear roosting place. The general consensus was, as you’re casually walking your dog and living your life, toss a few peanuts their direction. They’ll catch on.

So, in one last effort for the day, I retrieved the peanuts and took them over to them. They took flight almost as soon as I came into sight. I gently tossed the peanuts as I watched their retreating backs fly across the pond. A few hours later, the peanuts were still in grass. Since I really don’t want any other critters to claim the treats before the crows, I picked them up.


Conclusion: The crows recognize me and do not trust me.

Blerg.

​

 The metaphor of people having baggage is a familiar and useful way to describe a person’s emotional experiences, particularly in the dating world. Comments like, “she may be young, but she doesn’t have a lot of baggage,” or “be careful of single parents, they likely have tons of baggage,” are common. Lately, however, I’ve been wondering why the idea of having baggage is construed as negative.

I have baggage. There is no questioning it. I have areas where I need to let go, and wounds that remain sensitive. These things have a tendency to create anxiety and self-doubt, which in turn make it harder to build friendships and pursue goals.

At the same time, as a direct result of the things I’ve carried with me, I have grown in kindness, compassion, and overall confidence. I am much more equipped to face and interact with the world than I was even 5 years ago, let alone 10, 15, or 20. I wouldn’t change that.

Consider literal baggage, the kind intentionally packed for trips. A person who packs too much creates an inconvenience. They may have everything they think they need, and then some, but the hauling of luggage limits travel options and requires others to carry some of it. Perpetual concern is given to keeping track of everything. Quite possibly their worry over their own stuff will disrupt their ability to fully enjoy the new experience.

On the other hand, a person who carries very little has a lot of freedom to travel and explore. They are not held down by the burden of heavy bags. However, their resources are limited. A simple change in weather can leave them unprepared and needing others to provide what they lack. There is a naivety to this reliance.

In between these extremes is the experienced traveler. They definitely have baggage, but they know what they have and why they have it. On previous trips, they have taken too much. On other trips, they packed too like. However, over time they learned what they actually need. Do they get it right every time? Of course not. Do they ask for assistance or offer help as the situation requires? Of course yes. Experience does not equal perfection. Experience provides a balance between preparedness and flexibility.

​Back to the metaphor, I argue that instead of asking, “Do they have a lot baggage?” a better question is “What are they doing with the things they carry with them?”

Today I am neuro tired.

When I am regular tired, it feels like moving through a thick fog, or becoming weighed down by a thick blanket. Thoughts and movements become slower. Bed is a welcome comfort.

With neuro tired, it’s as though a strange static takes over from the inside. My thoughts become more disoriented and disconnected. I can start feeling anxious and a little panicked. Sleep is a mandate.

If regular tired is a draining battery, neuro tired is disrupted signals.

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I often have a hint that neuro tired might be coming. Usually it is preceded by some sort of spell. A brief moment of *whoa* a day or so in advance. Or there is some big, emotional happening, and the neuro tired appears as things return to calm. Other times, it comes out of no where. I’m going a long, and slowly notice that I’m just not functioning right. I become more anxious and frustrated until, suddenly, the realization hits me.

This time, the cause is stress.

Getting things going at Cage Free Voices is a roller coaster. Lots of really encouraging enthusiasm with some really amazing people, but very few are willing to commit. Lots and lots of interest, very little follow through. It’s made me normal tired for several weeks. It makes sense that my nervous system would decide to join the party.

I think that’s enough for now. There is still plenty to do, and plenty of students to take care of. A nap would likely be a better way to spend my time that catching up on this.

I graduated high school believing I was a bad writer. My senior English teacher fostered preexisting self-doubts, criticizing my essays with no real feedback. This was amplified by the fact I had several friends who could write their papers quickly, receiving higher grades, while I struggled getting the arguments and explanations swirling around my head untangled and onto the page. My insecurity was such that I chose a major that exempt me from the distribution requirements of a standard Arts & Sciences degree. I did not think I could keep up with all the writing requirements and was convinced people would decide I didn’t belong at the university.

In reality, I wasn’t a bad writer. I was slow, but that is unrelated to being good or not. There are a number of prolific writers out there who use a lot of words to say very little. It is true, however, that I has some catching up to do. Aside from the truly phenomenal Mr. Desimone in 10th grade, all of my English teachers from 7th grade on either provided few opportunities to write, or didn’t give instruction when I did. I got into my head that I was a math and science person, and, as such, I needed to avoid writing.

I managed to so quite successfully until the second semester of my junior year in college. The writing process incredibly stressful, but, much to my surprise, the response was positive. Even, years later, when I went to grad school, my professors marked my papers favorably. I still held doubts, though. Part of me suspected they didn’t read anything too closely.

That’s why I find it ironic that, for the foreseeable future, a huge part of how I will be making my living is through writing. In January, I left my job at ROP and now work full time for Cage Free Voices as the Lead Content Developer and Project Coordinator. Lessons, emails, and proposals, I will be doing all kinds of writing. It’s great!

The doubts continue to linger. As recently as last night, I became frustrated, hearing “you’re no good at this,” refraining through my head. That voice was wrong, though. My colleagues were encouraging. More importantly, the intended audience for the write-up replied in a way better than we were hoping. He even referred to the details I’d been struggling most to include “rightly”.

I’ve written this as a reminder. I do wish I was faster, but it’ll okay. Speed isn’t my gift. I recently saw that Neil Gaiman wrote 50 words a day while working on Coraline. So, I guess one could say that, at my current pace, I’m in the company of giants.

If you’ve read my previous three posts, you may have noticed I didn’t mentioned race or socioeconomic status at all. That is definitely a critical part of what’s going on with these kids. We all know that. However, I’m not going to into it, partly because there are people much better educated on the topic, but most because I think of my students as kids first. Race and wealth have a heavy influence on these kids and the communities they live in. But communities are composed of people, very interesting and unique people. I like to focus on that, as opposed to emphasizing one or two demographics details.

(For those of you who are distracted by a curious desire to know, Saint Louis Public Schools is over 90% black, while AJATC is roughly half white, not white. At both places, the vast majority come from families with a lower SEO status).

In much the same way that kids are blamed for not knowing better, parents are often blamed for the problems with their kids. There are definitely terrible parents out there, ranging from abuse and neglect, to overprotective and enabling. At the same time, in my experience, most parents are doing the best they can with what they got.

One of the biggest criticisms of lower-income families is that they don’t know how to manage their money. How irresponsible does one have to be to buy their growing 12 year-old brand new Jordan’s when they are behind on rent?? While I agree that money management is hugely important, many individuals feel so overwhelmed by what they can’t afford, they seize the opportunity to buy what they can. “I may not be able to cover all the bills, but I can get my baby the shoes he wants.” In other words, it’s parents who are busy and working long hours trying to do what they can for their kids.
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(This thinking falls under the concept of Economy of Scale. I am not even remotely an expert about this, but this framework has helped me understand the underlying rational).
​

Closely related to judgment over spending habits is judgment over lifestyle choices in general. A story that comes to mind happened in St. Louis around my fifth year of teaching. We held conference about a student who ticked many of the boxes under the definition for “at-risk youth.” His stepfather came, and he told about a problem at home, describing how he addressed it with his stepson. He displayed an earnest desire to help the young man. However, during his story, it became apparent that the man was a drug dealer. Walking away from the meeting, most of my colleagues fixated on that, adding it to the list of reasons that the kid was hopeless.

I admit that I was shook hearing that story, but something about that meeting kept nagging at me. Over time I began to wonder, why did we focus on the drug dealing? Here, in a community short on male role models, was a man very interested in supporting his troubled mess of a teenage boy. Why didn’t we focus on that? We could do nothing about his choice of income, but we had resources galore to offer an invested parent.

 The fact is outsiders often undermine the positive aspects of an existing community. Most places need help to improve and grow. However, well-intentioned people often enter an area with their own notions and disregard the experiences of the folks who call the place home. There’s also the pervasive idea that only way to succeed is to “get out.”

No one should be made to feel ashamed of where they are from. Every community has strengths; every communities has flaws. When approaching a neighborhood with obvious needs, consider taking a slower, more observant approach. Instead of bulldozing in saying, “This is what they should do,” try asking, “How can I support what they’re wanting to do?” Look for ways to encourage community development, which grows the community from within, as opposed to gentrification, which displaces the original neighborhood with outsiders (https://kheprw.org/community-development-versus-gentrifcation/).

What You Can Do

This is obviously a dense and tangled topic. I am not even remotely equipped to more than scratch the surface of its complexity. Yet, there are some practical steps you can take to help messy kids and develop the larger community we all share.

1. Really, really pay attention to the language, attitudes, and implications of laws, municipal decisions and other conversations about youth. I will not presume to tell anyone how to vote or how to engage in the political process. But as you do, ask yourself: What’s actually under consideration? Is it more about personal fears and comfort or the needs of the community at large? Is the language Othering? Are there real and solid opportunities for people to move forward after getting into messy situations? When folks are disagreeing, what is the disagreement actually about?
   
   ​2. As you encounter people and populations you desire to help, let them take the lead on the type of help needed. It’s their life, their home, they should have ownership over how things grow and not be burdened by charity. Make getting to know the community members the number one priority. Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear/learn?” versus “What do I say/do?” This takes long, but the results are significantly more sustainable.

3. My last and most practical suggestion is Help Improve Literacy. There is a strong correlation between low literacy skills and incarceration rates. It is also highly connected to income disparities and the poverty cycle. Literacy is not just ability to read, but includes the skills needed to have conversations with doctors, banks, and other places that use a specific, nuanced or particular language.

I recommend staying local. The most obvious and easiest way is to read with the kids in your life. Beyond that, support what’s already happening at your local schools and other organizations. When you contact them, have an idea of what you’re able to give (time, money, etc), but follow their lead. I can promise you that most schools have a clear idea of what they need, and that their list may not match yours.

You can also sponsor individual tutoring. When I’m not teaching GED, I create content for Cage Free Voices, an online learning company. If you are at all interested in learning more about our unique services and personalized approached, email me at [email protected]. Great things are happening there!

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The unofficial philosophy at Rite of Passage is these are kids who are hurting AND they are untrustworthy jerks. Every single one is assigned for a different reason, but all of them have experienced trauma, and all have done something that brought them before a judge. Start having too much sympathy and pity, and you are prime material for these master manipulators. Too much focus on their mistakes, and you just add to the shame and anger. They need compassion. Real compassion that faces the reality of what is while seeing the potential of what could be.

The every day language “at risk” kids use is one of the most pervasive and subtle barriers they face. Many aren’t taken seriously because of all their slang or their cultural references. They are sometimes blown off by adults who’d rather criticize word choice than listen to what they are saying.
Negative language also surrounds conversations about these kids. Thugs, idiots, trash, failures, hopeless. Think if the response many people have when they see a group of teens being teens.
Even seemingly neutral words like ‘juvenile’ has negative connotations because you hear it most often when talking about young offenders or immature behavior.

One problem is the prevailing belief that “they should know how to act.” But should they?
​

1. They are adolescents who are still developing their frontal lobes. No teenager yet has their full capacity for understanding cause and effect. This is an underlying cause of most teenage flakiness and impulsivity. That part of their brain is still growing, and will be until their early twenties, regardless of background and home training.
   
   
2. Many of their poor choices are learned behavior. For example, why would a 12 year-old growing up in a family where all adults continually and casually use foul language, understand that “fuck” is not an appropriate word for every situation?

 Look at it this way – Imagine the ridiculous things teens get up to. They are so goofy! The way they feed off each other is hilarious. The dances, the stunts, the jokes. It’s amazing. Now imagine how a kid’s home-culture would change the appearance of those things. Are they trashy for the way they dance, or are they simply moving to music in the same way as their abuelas and tias do at every family gathering? Are they being rude and disrespectful or are they bantering in the same way their dad and his coworkers do while on the job?
Yes, those things are not always appropriate, but is the problem their character or that they don’t yet understand boundaries or how to read different situations?

The above examples are from when they’re having fun. The consequences are worse when they are angry or upset. There are numerous stories about bullying and hazing getting out of control, especially with the added anonymity of social media. What may begin as a minor prank can escalate quickly when others around and they begin feeding off each other. We’ve all seen teens caught up in high emotions and losing all sense of reason.

Now add a gun

For the most part, incarcerated kids with capital or attempted murder charges were in that type of situation.

(In truth, many of these guys are among our best students. I believe it’s because they feel the weight and precariousness of their situation. On the other hand, the most problematic students are the attention-seekers who don’t yet connect actions to consequences).

These are major issues and how we talk about them matters. Any conversation that forgets they are kids is incomplete and inadequate. Too often, dramatic language if favored over actually addressing the problems in the community and building real solutions.

Think of times people misjudged or spoke derisively to you. I can think of several times growing up that people in authority underestimated me and used demeaning language. My self-confidence took a hit and the memory still frustrates me.

For many of these guys, that’s almost all they hear. The guys sometimes talk about the things prosecutors and judges said to them in court. “YOU are a danger.” “YOU are heartless.” “YOU are hopeless.” They laugh, but it makes me so angry. No wonder it’s so hard for my students to imagine other possibilities when people are telling them they are the problem, and essentially a lost cause.

In another instance, we got a student who was reportedly called a “Young Ted Bundy” by his psych examiner. I have not read what was written, but the term was put out there. This bothered me because 1) no one knew Ted Bundy was going to be Ted Bundy when he was a kid, and 2) it feels like a cover-your-ass statement. If he makes through treatment and becomes a productive adult, then they can celebrate curing a potential serial killer. If nothing changes for the kid, then they say that it’s a pity, but they always knew something was off about him.

(By the way, the boy in question turns out to be an awkward preteen who struggles with empathy, which is likely connected to his under-addressed autism).

In all these cases, what the kid did ABSOLUTELY needs to be taken seriously. But is using dramatic, derisive, or fear-based language actually taking it seriously? Is shoving them aside and getting them out of “nicer” communities really a wise choice?

​Maybe treating these kids as humans with innate dignity while addressing the dangerous behaviors takes the problem more seriously. These are kids who need help growing up. We were all kids who needed help growing up.

Before I go any further, here’s a brief rundown of where I work:
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The Arkansas Juvenile Assessment and Treatment Center is a DYS-owned facility run by Rite of Passage, a company that oversees similar programs nation-wide. There are other ROP/DYS facilities in the state, but AJATC is the largest, central hub.

The student-athletes at ROP – student-athlete is their official title – come from all over Arkansas and are there because a judge said so. During intake, they receive medical, psychological, and educational evaluations before a treatment plan is decided. From there, they are assigned either to another facility or one of the 6 units on site. The kids wear uniforms that look like any other school uniform and participate in daily activities. As part of the programming, they have ways to earn different ranks, which have different responsibilities and privileges that come with them. They are not behind bars, but it is a secure facility. All units and rooms require a key and the students are under constant supervision.

Education is part of their treatment. It’s pretty much a given that they are behind, so the students go to school year round, M-Th, with enhancement activities on Friday morning. A few years ago, a state ruling decided the classes would be taught by Virtual Arkansas. The VA teachers do a really great job, but whether or not online school is the right format for these kids is debatable. In addition to the VA classes, we have Vo-Tech, GED, and World of Works, which helps graduates with college and career prep. Also built into the school day are treatment groups and one-on-one therapy sessions.

 When I began at ROP, they had not had a GED instructor for quite some time. I’d been told they really wanted a new teacher, yet it was also true they’d been left to study on their own all summer and that I’d be the outsider walking into their territory. So, it wasn’t much of a surprise that I didn’t get the warmest of welcomes. They didn’t trust me. To them, I was just another grown-up showing up “to help them.” Given that almost every kid in their position has been let down by many, many adults, I respected their skepticism.  

​Adding to their distrust was the fact that there was a hold on all GED testing. The previous spring, the person in my position and a few others were caught helping the kids cheat. This led to firings and a stop to all testing while the site went under severe scrutiny from GED Testing Services. The kids were understandably frustrated. They thought that having a teacher again would mean they could test again. When my arrival didn’t result in immediate changes, they became angry. Since I was there, they were angry with me. It wasn’t all bad, and most of the kids were pretty chill, but there was a stubborn few, who nearing release, cut their loses and saw no reason to try anything I suggested.

 During all this, I stayed neutral, and I stayed calmed. Mostly. My quiet nature confused them. At least I assume so because, one the day two of the angriest hotheads tried to get under my skin and convince me to quit. They said I was too quiet to handle tough, dangerous men like them. I listened to their rant, shrugged and told them, “Never underestimate the quiet ones.”

For my part, I hated this interaction, but I reminded myself they were thinking and feeling a lot of things that had nothing to do with me. While their logic was flawed, and many of their decisions were questionable, I felt the best thing I could do was keep coming back and be okay with it taking a long time to build morale. I saved my need to scream until I was in my car, and apologized to my family when I still had frustration left when I got home.

Eventually, gradually, the kids got the opportunity to start testing again. There are still ongoing restrictions, like having to take their final tests offsite. (The GED consists of 8 tests in 4 subjects. The kids can take the Ready, and mandatory pretest, onsite, but have to go elsewhere for the Officials). However, the mood improved once they could make visible progress. The most resistant guys being released also helped. They started to see that I actually can teach them things that make the tests obtainable. They also seem to like that I am frank about what I do and do not know, and what the actual possibilities are.

But honestly, what had the biggest impact on morale is that I had to miss a week in December. While I was gone, they realized they actually kind of liked having me around.

 A piece of advice often shared is “you’ve got the make sure the kids know you care about them.” That sounds good, but I would just say “care for them.” Genuinely care for them. While related to what I said Part 1 about finding ways to enjoy the kids, caring is not the same. You can care for someone and not enjoy them at all. That takes work. For me, it is often an intentional choice.

Making it harder is you also have to accept that the kids may never know that your care is sincere. Their brokenness is such that they are incapable of understanding what it looks like to have someone sincerely care about them. They can’t trust it or believe it. Other kids are master manipulators. They see affection from others as an opportunity for gains. A positive response from them can’t be the goal. Is it really care if contingent on their response?

One incident that illustrates some of this involves a kid I’m going to call FR (not his actual initials). FR was highly intelligent and heavily desired to be in control. If he couldn’t be in charge, he at least wanted to treated as an equal. As a result, he was very manipulative and prone to angry outbursts when he didn’t get his way.

FR struggled with math. He’d passed almost every other test, but after several attempts, still hadn’t gotten a passing score on the Math Ready. In his frustration, he wouldn’t work with me or study on his own. He had a lot of reasons his inability to pass was somebody else’s fault. He regularly cussed me out, saying I didn’t know how to teach. One day, when he was being particularly sulky, I flat out told him his excuses were bullshit. Referencing one of his more infamous cons, I told him I didn’t see why anyone who could successfully work all those angles couldn’t shift a couple of numbers around to find x. He clearly had the strategic thinking skills.

He passed the Ready a week later.

Later, he sought me out to thank me. Unfortunately, his thanks involved some highly inappropriate flirting. It took all my acquired experience to remind myself that FR likely grew up in a highly sexualized environment, where all appreciation for women involved suggestive language. I also recognized this was the first “positive” gesture he’d ever made towards me. As much as I was cringing, I knew it was important to accept intent of the compliment without deriding him for the language.
​
I did not enjoy that interaction at all, and I am grateful I had the awareness to see his perspective. It gave me the ability to choose to care about him in that moment. I don’t remember what I said, but I do know the conversation ended well.

In short, I’m glad I chose to care about that turd.