Just Roll with It

 For the past few days, a friend I talk to regularly has been less responsive. A lot less. I know enough about the current circumstances in their life that this makes sense. They are busy. At the same time, the suddenness stirs up many doubts and worries. Are they okay? Why are they retreating? Am I what they’re avoiding?

Our friendship is such that I know all will get straightened out. The process has already begun. Even so, it hurts. Deeply. And it hurts all the more because I know it will happen again.

I believe I’ve mentioned in other posts that it took me until my late 30’s to learn and accept that my experiences matter. That it’s more than okay to feel hurt by someone else, even when you 100% what they are going through. My programmed response to all slights, snubs, and disappointments (regardless the degree of intentionality) was “Whatever. It’s stupid to let this make you feel sad. Shake it off and roll with it, Dorothy.”

The truth is that ignoring all those smalls things (and some larger ones, too) led to some pretty hefty insecurities. The kind that persist, requiring deeper and deeper looks every time they are poked.

I’m getting there though. As much as my friend’s withdrawal stings, the struggle relates more to the reality that addressing this will require further vulnerability on my part, as opposed to being indignant that the hurt feelings had the audacity to exist in the first place. This is a good thing.

The reason I bring all this up is because of my job. The kids I work with have gone through some things. Being sentenced to our treatment center alone is a hefty thing for a teen to face, not to mention the varied situations that led to their sentencing. It’s intense.

Yes, all the kids receive counseling and therapy. That’s why it’s called a treatment center and not a correctional facility. The majority of the staff understand that these are kids healing from trauma and respond to their outbursts accordingly.

That said, there is an undercurrent of “these kids need to just suck it up and roll with it.” There’s an impatience with kids becoming angry over delayed phone calls or “excessively” upset over bad news. A kid punching a wall over a postponed court date could potentially lead to their release being pushed back even further.

In my GED classroom, the biggest source of frustration is having the opportunity to test. For many reasons (mostly tied to too much bureaucracy and not enough staff), the testing schedule is very irregular and hard to predict. On more than one occasion, kids who only have two or three tests remaining have waited weeks to take their tests, only to have it canceled last minute. Other times, kids are taken to test without warning. Some do alright with this. But others...talk about test anxiety! The negative impact the inconsistency has on morale is significant.

Everyone who interacts directly with the kids sees and understands the problem. The real root of the issue is that many decisions, including scheduling, are made by people too far removed from the day-to-day reality of these kids. The prevailing attitude is that the kids should be prepared to test at all times. The when doesn’t really matter. They need to just roll with it.

I would love to look these people in the eye and ask, “How do you handle prolonged delays when scheduling an appointment? A much-anticipated event being canceled? Being caught behind a slow-moving truck when running late?”

These things are frustrating! Even emotionally mature adults need to scream into a pillow sometimes. The expectation that teens of any background should be able to “just roll with it” is unreasonable and unkind. They are learning and growing. We are all learning and growing. Life is too big and diverse to not allow anger. That limitation causes nothing but harm.
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So, yeah, I’m fully grown and I spent the past 48 hours feeling very low because an old insecurity was pressed and I already understand how to move forward. These are the kinds of things I think about.

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