I’m not good at wanting things.

Back when I was applying for colleges, my main criteria was “not in New England.” So, I went to college in St. Louis. Ironically, my school was basically the Midwest version of the posh schools I most wanted to avoid. When picking a major, I wanted to study biology, but I also didn’t want to write a lot of papers. To avoid that, I minored in electrical engineering, which allowed me to replace liberal arts with heavy math. Since you are reading this blog, you can see that my interests have shifted since then.

Later, I didn’t want to become a classroom teacher; that felt like a box.
I didn’t want anything to do with middle school; that age sucks!
I didn’t want to teach in an urban district; I didn’t feel confident.

I invested a lot of energy avoiding those things only to become a classroom teacher in an urban middle school, and love it.

I can’t say I entirely regret any of the above decisions because I like where I ended up and many of the people who came into my life as a result. However, it is fair to say that I don’t always know what’s best for me.

My habit of avoiding things I don’t want extends into less concrete areas of my life. I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want others to hurt me. I don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to do too little. I don’t want to be late. I don’t want to make others rush. I don’t want make mistakes. I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to butt in. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I don’t want to be overlooked.

Don’t want, don’t want, don’t want...

All of those objectives, yet when people ask me what I do want, what I do like, my response is usually, “ummm…”

This isn’t to say that I never want things. I wanted to be a biology major. I wanted to teach science. I want undisturbed sleep. It’s more that my life has been shaped more by me avoiding things I don’t want than it has been by me going after the things I do want.

I’m only just beginning to understand this part of myself, but I know that this tendency is rooted in fear and self-protection. I can recall distinct moments in 4th and 5th grade when I made certain choices I didn’t want to be teased. I didn’t choose what I liked, I chose what was most acceptable to my peers.

I could dwell quite awhile on the many ways and means my avoidance habit has played out, but I want to focus on the future. This past week has made me realize how much I need to shift my thinking.

The other day I learned an opportunity I was optimistic about wasn’t going to go the way I’d hoped. I’m not going to go into the particulars, but I entered the situation wanting to avoid old habits and pitfalls that have caused problems in the past. I think I did this. Looking back, I can’t think of any moments that have me cringing, “ugh, not again!”

Yet things didn’t work out. Even though I avoided everything I set out to avoid, things still didn’t work out. For very good and valid reasons that I fully support, and yet...

I’ve experienced a lot of conflicting emotions the past few days, and they can best be summarized as this: successfully avoiding past mistakes and still getting the same result sucks eggs. It’s incredibly painful. Heartbreaking even.

This is where the shift in thinking comes in. It wasn’t the same result. On the surface it is, but deeper down, there's important differences. I can see where I’ve grown. I can see where I took more risks. That’s a really big deal. And the opportunity itself isn’t ruined. It’s just...different. A larger bucket of possibilities, one could say.

So, moving forward, I want to focus on what I want. Even when I don’t know what I want. I want to value myself and others. I want to be honest. I want to be kind. I want to take risks. I want to speak up. I want to be quiet. I want to face fears. I want to hang in there. I want to feel my feelings. I want the people I care about to know that I care about them. I want to be brave. I want to be seen.

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The past few weeks have been really good. I’ve finished one week of training at my new job and I’m liking the atmosphere. It’s refreshing to be in a setting where the majority accepts the reality of the circumstances. This past Friday I was feeling confident and optimistic about many things.

Over the weekend, however, my confidence eroded. It started small when, Friday evening, I learned that I’d made a typo in the recipient’s email when requesting my college transcripts. Hopefully the registrar will be understanding, but this may mean that I threw money away on my first request and will have to pay for a second.

I made the same typo when asking for reference letters, so I had to ask my former bosses to resend. This was not the worst mistake, but it’s the kind that has me wondering how I’m doing. Am I really healthy enough to go back to teaching? Will I be able to function or will this type of clumsy mistake happen more frequently?

Adding to this, someone I talk to regularly was busy and having a bit of a rough time, so I didn’t hear from them as much. This is perfectly understandable. I don’t expect anyone to talk to me all the time, especially when going through things. At the same time, I don’t know what to do with prolonged silence. Do I reach out? Do I stay quiet and allow space? I don’t want to bother anyone, nor do I want to neglect them.

This dilemma really hit home today (Sunday). I’d assumed there’d be time to talk and get sorted. Instead, other plans were made, another person needed a favor and that was where their day went. Left brain understands that’s just how things happen sometimes. Right brain...right brain is mocking me for, yet again, giving a person space only for someone else to fill it.

This will all get worked out. I’ve taken steps to have the needed conversations. I’m sad that my insecurities are rising up, and also proud of myself for not avoiding them. I can see how I’ve grown. Maybe that’s why these doubts keep being so nasty lately. They’re mad my broken places are healing.

I feel blue today. September, so far, is loaded with change. At CFV, things for are slowly picking up again after being on pause since the theatre camp. Next week I start training for a new part-time job that seems like it’ll be a good fit in and of itself, as well as being compatible with CFV. I’m looking forward to having a regular schedule and steadier income. Outside of work, I’m finally developing the beginnings of a social life, having met a few people who are interested and interesting.

All of these are good things, welcome things. I’m excited and want all of them to happen and to go well.

I think that’s why I’m blue. I want to be open to all the possibilities, and those possibilities include failure. There’s a risk with everything, and these risks are bringing up the old, persistent voices that mock me for even trying.

My most tangible fear it that I’ll become too tired to handle everything. Being tired is inevitable. As much as I’ve learned about managing my neuro symptoms, fatigue and stress still have the power to wreck me. At certain angles, adding all these things to my life seems like a recipe for disaster. Especially when I remember that I have a 50k in eight and a half weeks...

In the past, historically and habitually, I’d handle these transitional seasons by choosing one thing at a time to focus on. Usually this would be work. Relationships could be sorted out later. Unfortunately, more often than not, my choices kept would-be friends at a distance, holding them off until I could get myself together. Some of my biggest regrets are tied to the way I have underestimated several amazing people by chosing to isolate myself, denying them the chance to be there for me.

I feel untethered. As much as I like the idea of being anchored, I'm also afraid of tying myself too tightly to the wrong thing and become stuck. This in-between space is uncomfortable and confusing and, at the same time, too important to rush.

It makes sense that my insecurities are bubbling up. If I cared less about the outcomes, the doubts wouldn’t be so noisy.  

I’d still like to do one thing at a time, though. Finish training for the race. Get settled into the job. Establish friendships.

Writing it out, I can see the ridiculousness of having these things on a step-by-step checklist. They can all happen at the same time. Arguably, simultaneously may be the best way to go.
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Sigh...breaking old habits is hard...