Working with Messy Kids, the 4th (and Final) Part

The Kids and Their Community

If you’ve read my previous three posts, you may have noticed I didn’t mentioned race or socioeconomic status at all. That is definitely a critical part of what’s going on with these kids. We all know that. However, I’m not going to into it, partly because there are people much better educated on the topic, but most because I think of my students as kids first. Race and wealth have a heavy influence on these kids and the communities they live in. But communities are composed of people, very interesting and unique people. I like to focus on that, as opposed to emphasizing one or two demographics details.

(For those of you who are distracted by a curious desire to know, Saint Louis Public Schools is over 90% black, while AJATC is roughly half white, not white. At both places, the vast majority come from families with a lower SEO status).

In much the same way that kids are blamed for not knowing better, parents are often blamed for the problems with their kids. There are definitely terrible parents out there, ranging from abuse and neglect, to overprotective and enabling. At the same time, in my experience, most parents are doing the best they can with what they got.

One of the biggest criticisms of lower-income families is that they don’t know how to manage their money. How irresponsible does one have to be to buy their growing 12 year-old brand new Jordan’s when they are behind on rent?? While I agree that money management is hugely important, many individuals feel so overwhelmed by what they can’t afford, they seize the opportunity to buy what they can. “I may not be able to cover all the bills, but I can get my baby the shoes he wants.” In other words, it’s parents who are busy and working long hours trying to do what they can for their kids.
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(This thinking falls under the concept of Economy of Scale. I am not even remotely an expert about this, but this framework has helped me understand the underlying rational).
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Closely related to judgment over spending habits is judgment over lifestyle choices in general. A story that comes to mind happened in St. Louis around my fifth year of teaching. We held conference about a student who ticked many of the boxes under the definition for “at-risk youth.” His stepfather came, and he told about a problem at home, describing how he addressed it with his stepson. He displayed an earnest desire to help the young man. However, during his story, it became apparent that the man was a drug dealer. Walking away from the meeting, most of my colleagues fixated on that, adding it to the list of reasons that the kid was hopeless.

I admit that I was shook hearing that story, but something about that meeting kept nagging at me. Over time I began to wonder, why did we focus on the drug dealing? Here, in a community short on male role models, was a man very interested in supporting his troubled mess of a teenage boy. Why didn’t we focus on that? We could do nothing about his choice of income, but we had resources galore to offer an invested parent.

via GIPHY

 The fact is outsiders often undermine the positive aspects of an existing community. Most places need help to improve and grow. However, well-intentioned people often enter an area with their own notions and disregard the experiences of the folks who call the place home. There’s also the pervasive idea that only way to succeed is to “get out.”

No one should be made to feel ashamed of where they are from. Every community has strengths; every communities has flaws. When approaching a neighborhood with obvious needs, consider taking a slower, more observant approach. Instead of bulldozing in saying, “This is what they should do,” try asking, “How can I support what they’re wanting to do?” Look for ways to encourage community development, which grows the community from within, as opposed to gentrification, which displaces the original neighborhood with outsiders (https://kheprw.org/community-development-versus-gentrifcation/).

What You Can Do

This is obviously a dense and tangled topic. I am not even remotely equipped to more than scratch the surface of its complexity. Yet, there are some practical steps you can take to help messy kids and develop the larger community we all share.

1. Really, really pay attention to the language, attitudes, and implications of laws, municipal decisions and other conversations about youth. I will not presume to tell anyone how to vote or how to engage in the political process. But as you do, ask yourself: What’s actually under consideration? Is it more about personal fears and comfort or the needs of the community at large? Is the language Othering? Are there real and solid opportunities for people to move forward after getting into messy situations? When folks are disagreeing, what is the disagreement actually about?
   
   ​2. As you encounter people and populations you desire to help, let them take the lead on the type of help needed. It’s their life, their home, they should have ownership over how things grow and not be burdened by charity. Make getting to know the community members the number one priority. Ask yourself, “What do I need to hear/learn?” versus “What do I say/do?” This takes long, but the results are significantly more sustainable.

via GIPHY

3. My last and most practical suggestion is Help Improve Literacy. There is a strong correlation between low literacy skills and incarceration rates. It is also highly connected to income disparities and the poverty cycle. Literacy is not just ability to read, but includes the skills needed to have conversations with doctors, banks, and other places that use a specific, nuanced or particular language.

I recommend staying local. The most obvious and easiest way is to read with the kids in your life. Beyond that, support what’s already happening at your local schools and other organizations. When you contact them, have an idea of what you’re able to give (time, money, etc), but follow their lead. I can promise you that most schools have a clear idea of what they need, and that their list may not match yours.

You can also sponsor individual tutoring. When I’m not teaching GED, I create content for Cage Free Voices, an online learning company. If you are at all interested in learning more about our unique services and personalized approached, email me at drice@cfvonlinelearning.com. Great things are happening there!

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The unofficial philosophy at Rite of Passage is these are kids who are hurting AND they are untrustworthy jerks. Every single one is assigned for a different reason, but all of them have experienced trauma, and all have done something that brought them before a judge. Start having too much sympathy and pity, and you are prime material for these master manipulators. Too much focus on their mistakes, and you just add to the shame and anger. They need compassion. Real compassion that faces the reality of what is while seeing the potential of what could be.