STRE-TCH!​
Several years ago I joined some friends at a hotel for a conference. The first morning, while stretching on the floor, I muttered "Boy, I'm stiff." Overhearing me, one of my friends launched into a long explanation of how stretching works and that bodies are stiffer in the morning. There was no recognition of the fact I wasn't seeking advice, nor that I've been stretching regularly since age twelve. I was just surprised by an unexpected kink in my back caused by my seven hour drive the day before. A minor incident, but DAMN.

Pubescent Overload
One of the many things I did not anticipate when I became I middle school teacher was how often parents would explain puberty to my colleagues and myself during meetings. Eventually I realized that most parents were needing to say it out loud for themselves, as a way to anchor their emotions as they dealt with the changes in their child. But a small handful really seemed to believe that we were unacquainted with the trials and tribulations of adolescence and were in need of a detailed lesson. Most memorable was the time a mother tried to excuse her daughter's habit of stirring up drama by loudly declaring that her daughter, "has her period! She has hair on her va-GI-na!" My colleague, an older woman who is one of the most classy and sophisticated people I've ever known, had an expression on her face like no other. Priceless.

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Spring of 2019, I overheard three women talking at an adjacent table. One was being rather bossy and talking over a lady who trying to tell a story about a problem at work. In an effort to curb her onslaught, the third women said, "Slow down, [Bossy]! You are totally mansplaining right now!" Bossy laughed it off, saying that wasn't possible because she is not a man. She then continued to spew her unneeded advice.

Listening to this lady's oblivious rudeness, led me think, not for the first time, that there needs to be broader term than "mansplaining."

Immediately, I texted my fabulous friend Susie for her thoughts on the matter. She agreed that while mansplaining is an excellent description of that particular brand of misogyny where a man feels like he needs to be the expert, women need to be held accountable, too.  Arguably "Karen" does this to some extent, but it's still describes a very specific type of person.

After tossing several ideas around, Susie suggested "misplainers". Misplainers are people who tend to "miss the point before they start 'splaining." In other words, misplainers tend to jump in with an explanation without first considering the perspective of the listener.

I like this term because Susie's sassy sense of humor is spot on. I decided to write a light-hearted blog post about it. However, as I started putting it together, I started thinking of other ways that people disregard another's experience. Just because a person doesn't interrupt doesn't mean they're taking other's seriously.

What had started as an amusing observation of an oblivious, conversation-dominating stranger became quite the train of thought. I settled on the term Experience Deniers. While misplaining has its place, Experience Denial includes every instance that a person undervalues of disregards that experience of another. Once I put a name to it, I started seeing it everywhere.

As you may have guessed, I never finished the original intended blog post. With the chaos of the pandemic, BLM protests, and everything else that's been stirred up in recent years, the implications Experience Denial became bigger than I'd expected It also became more personal. Being able to write out about this required - and still requires - a lot of thinking.

​So I'm starting small.

Experience Deniers exist. They can be extremely hurtful, even when well-intended. Since it is impossible to full understand another's perspective, everyone is guilty of denying another's experience at times. The important thing what you do when you realize the mistake.