Tuesday Blues

I feel blue today. September, so far, is loaded with change. At CFV, things for are slowly picking up again after being on pause since the theatre camp. Next week I start training for a new part-time job that seems like it’ll be a good fit in and of itself, as well as being compatible with CFV. I’m looking forward to having a regular schedule and steadier income. Outside of work, I’m finally developing the beginnings of a social life, having met a few people who are interested and interesting.

All of these are good things, welcome things. I’m excited and want all of them to happen and to go well.

I think that’s why I’m blue. I want to be open to all the possibilities, and those possibilities include failure. There’s a risk with everything, and these risks are bringing up the old, persistent voices that mock me for even trying.

My most tangible fear it that I’ll become too tired to handle everything. Being tired is inevitable. As much as I’ve learned about managing my neuro symptoms, fatigue and stress still have the power to wreck me. At certain angles, adding all these things to my life seems like a recipe for disaster. Especially when I remember that I have a 50k in eight and a half weeks...

In the past, historically and habitually, I’d handle these transitional seasons by choosing one thing at a time to focus on. Usually this would be work. Relationships could be sorted out later. Unfortunately, more often than not, my choices kept would-be friends at a distance, holding them off until I could get myself together. Some of my biggest regrets are tied to the way I have underestimated several amazing people by chosing to isolate myself, denying them the chance to be there for me.

I feel untethered. As much as I like the idea of being anchored, I'm also afraid of tying myself too tightly to the wrong thing and become stuck. This in-between space is uncomfortable and confusing and, at the same time, too important to rush.

It makes sense that my insecurities are bubbling up. If I cared less about the outcomes, the doubts wouldn’t be so noisy.  

I’d still like to do one thing at a time, though. Finish training for the race. Get settled into the job. Establish friendships.

Writing it out, I can see the ridiculousness of having these things on a step-by-step checklist. They can all happen at the same time. Arguably, simultaneously may be the best way to go.
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Sigh...breaking old habits is hard...

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