Wanting Things

As my first practical assignment in resetting my mindset, I want a better reason for doing the 50k in 6 weeks than “I don’t want to regret not doing it.” That might be partly why I’m feeling indifferent about training.

 I’m not good at wanting things.

Back when I was applying for colleges, my main criteria was “not in New England.” So, I went to college in St. Louis. Ironically, my school was basically the Midwest version of the posh schools I most wanted to avoid. When picking a major, I wanted to study biology, but I also didn’t want to write a lot of papers. To avoid that, I minored in electrical engineering, which allowed me to replace liberal arts with heavy math. Since you are reading this blog, you can see that my interests have shifted since then.

Later, I didn’t want to become a classroom teacher; that felt like a box.
I didn’t want anything to do with middle school; that age sucks!
I didn’t want to teach in an urban district; I didn’t feel confident.

I invested a lot of energy avoiding those things only to become a classroom teacher in an urban middle school, and love it.

I can’t say I entirely regret any of the above decisions because I like where I ended up and many of the people who came into my life as a result. However, it is fair to say that I don’t always know what’s best for me.

My habit of avoiding things I don’t want extends into less concrete areas of my life. I don’t want to be a bother. I don’t want to hurt others. I don’t want others to hurt me. I don’t want to be too much. I don’t want to do too little. I don’t want to be late. I don’t want to make others rush. I don’t want make mistakes. I don’t want to miss out. I don’t want to butt in. I don’t want to be the center of attention. I don’t want to be overlooked.

Don’t want, don’t want, don’t want...

All of those objectives, yet when people ask me what I do want, what I do like, my response is usually, “ummm…”

This isn’t to say that I never want things. I wanted to be a biology major. I wanted to teach science. I want undisturbed sleep. It’s more that my life has been shaped more by me avoiding things I don’t want than it has been by me going after the things I do want.

I’m only just beginning to understand this part of myself, but I know that this tendency is rooted in fear and self-protection. I can recall distinct moments in 4th and 5th grade when I made certain choices I didn’t want to be teased. I didn’t choose what I liked, I chose what was most acceptable to my peers.

I could dwell quite awhile on the many ways and means my avoidance habit has played out, but I want to focus on the future. This past week has made me realize how much I need to shift my thinking.

The other day I learned an opportunity I was optimistic about wasn’t going to go the way I’d hoped. I’m not going to go into the particulars, but I entered the situation wanting to avoid old habits and pitfalls that have caused problems in the past. I think I did this. Looking back, I can’t think of any moments that have me cringing, “ugh, not again!”

Yet things didn’t work out. Even though I avoided everything I set out to avoid, things still didn’t work out. For very good and valid reasons that I fully support, and yet...

I’ve experienced a lot of conflicting emotions the past few days, and they can best be summarized as this: successfully avoiding past mistakes and still getting the same result sucks eggs. It’s incredibly painful. Heartbreaking even.

This is where the shift in thinking comes in. It wasn’t the same result. On the surface it is, but deeper down, there's important differences. I can see where I’ve grown. I can see where I took more risks. That’s a really big deal. And the opportunity itself isn’t ruined. It’s just...different. A larger bucket of possibilities, one could say.

So, moving forward, I want to focus on what I want. Even when I don’t know what I want. I want to value myself and others. I want to be honest. I want to be kind. I want to take risks. I want to speak up. I want to be quiet. I want to face fears. I want to hang in there. I want to feel my feelings. I want the people I care about to know that I care about them. I want to be brave. I want to be seen.

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