Awake in the Middle of the Night

The past few weeks have been really good. I’ve finished one week of training at my new job and I’m liking the atmosphere. It’s refreshing to be in a setting where the majority accepts the reality of the circumstances. This past Friday I was feeling confident and optimistic about many things.

Over the weekend, however, my confidence eroded. It started small when, Friday evening, I learned that I’d made a typo in the recipient’s email when requesting my college transcripts. Hopefully the registrar will be understanding, but this may mean that I threw money away on my first request and will have to pay for a second.

I made the same typo when asking for reference letters, so I had to ask my former bosses to resend. This was not the worst mistake, but it’s the kind that has me wondering how I’m doing. Am I really healthy enough to go back to teaching? Will I be able to function or will this type of clumsy mistake happen more frequently?

Adding to this, someone I talk to regularly was busy and having a bit of a rough time, so I didn’t hear from them as much. This is perfectly understandable. I don’t expect anyone to talk to me all the time, especially when going through things. At the same time, I don’t know what to do with prolonged silence. Do I reach out? Do I stay quiet and allow space? I don’t want to bother anyone, nor do I want to neglect them.

This dilemma really hit home today (Sunday). I’d assumed there’d be time to talk and get sorted. Instead, other plans were made, another person needed a favor and that was where their day went. Left brain understands that’s just how things happen sometimes. Right brain...right brain is mocking me for, yet again, giving a person space only for someone else to fill it.

This will all get worked out. I’ve taken steps to have the needed conversations. I’m sad that my insecurities are rising up, and also proud of myself for not avoiding them. I can see how I’ve grown. Maybe that’s why these doubts keep being so nasty lately. They’re mad my broken places are healing.