Experience Deniers

Spring of 2019, I overheard three women talking at an adjacent table. One was being rather bossy and talking over a lady who trying to tell a story about a problem at work. In an effort to curb her onslaught, the third women said, "Slow down, [Bossy]! You are totally mansplaining right now!" Bossy laughed it off, saying that wasn't possible because she is not a man. She then continued to spew her unneeded advice.

Listening to this lady's oblivious rudeness, led me think, not for the first time, that there needs to be broader term than "mansplaining."

Immediately, I texted my fabulous friend Susie for her thoughts on the matter. She agreed that while mansplaining is an excellent description of that particular brand of misogyny where a man feels like he needs to be the expert, women need to be held accountable, too.  Arguably "Karen" does this to some extent, but it's still describes a very specific type of person.

After tossing several ideas around, Susie suggested "misplainers". Misplainers are people who tend to "miss the point before they start 'splaining." In other words, misplainers tend to jump in with an explanation without first considering the perspective of the listener.

I like this term because Susie's sassy sense of humor is spot on. I decided to write a light-hearted blog post about it. However, as I started putting it together, I started thinking of other ways that people disregard another's experience. Just because a person doesn't interrupt doesn't mean they're taking other's seriously.

What had started as an amusing observation of an oblivious, conversation-dominating stranger became quite the train of thought. I settled on the term Experience Deniers. While misplaining has its place, Experience Denial includes every instance that a person undervalues of disregards that experience of another. Once I put a name to it, I started seeing it everywhere.

As you may have guessed, I never finished the original intended blog post. With the chaos of the pandemic, BLM protests, and everything else that's been stirred up in recent years, the implications Experience Denial became bigger than I'd expected It also became more personal. Being able to write out about this required - and still requires - a lot of thinking.

​So I'm starting small.

Experience Deniers exist. They can be extremely hurtful, even when well-intended. Since it is impossible to full understand another's perspective, everyone is guilty of denying another's experience at times. The important thing what you do when you realize the mistake.