Working with Messy Kids, Part 3

Words

The every day language “at risk” kids use is one of the most pervasive and subtle barriers they face. Many aren’t taken seriously because of all their slang or their cultural references. They are sometimes blown off by adults who’d rather criticize word choice than listen to what they are saying.
Negative language also surrounds conversations about these kids. Thugs, idiots, trash, failures, hopeless. Think if the response many people have when they see a group of teens being teens.
Even seemingly neutral words like ‘juvenile’ has negative connotations because you hear it most often when talking about young offenders or immature behavior.

One problem is the prevailing belief that “they should know how to act.” But should they?
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1. They are adolescents who are still developing their frontal lobes. No teenager yet has their full capacity for understanding cause and effect. This is an underlying cause of most teenage flakiness and impulsivity. That part of their brain is still growing, and will be until their early twenties, regardless of background and home training.
   
   
2. Many of their poor choices are learned behavior. For example, why would a 12 year-old growing up in a family where all adults continually and casually use foul language, understand that “fuck” is not an appropriate word for every situation?

via GIPHY

 Look at it this way – Imagine the ridiculous things teens get up to. They are so goofy! The way they feed off each other is hilarious. The dances, the stunts, the jokes. It’s amazing. Now imagine how a kid’s home-culture would change the appearance of those things. Are they trashy for the way they dance, or are they simply moving to music in the same way as their abuelas and tias do at every family gathering? Are they being rude and disrespectful or are they bantering in the same way their dad and his coworkers do while on the job?
Yes, those things are not always appropriate, but is the problem their character or that they don’t yet understand boundaries or how to read different situations?

The above examples are from when they’re having fun. The consequences are worse when they are angry or upset. There are numerous stories about bullying and hazing getting out of control, especially with the added anonymity of social media. What may begin as a minor prank can escalate quickly when others around and they begin feeding off each other. We’ve all seen teens caught up in high emotions and losing all sense of reason.

Now add a gun

For the most part, incarcerated kids with capital or attempted murder charges were in that type of situation.

(In truth, many of these guys are among our best students. I believe it’s because they feel the weight and precariousness of their situation. On the other hand, the most problematic students are the attention-seekers who don’t yet connect actions to consequences).

These are major issues and how we talk about them matters. Any conversation that forgets they are kids is incomplete and inadequate. Too often, dramatic language if favored over actually addressing the problems in the community and building real solutions.

Think of times people misjudged or spoke derisively to you. I can think of several times growing up that people in authority underestimated me and used demeaning language. My self-confidence took a hit and the memory still frustrates me.

For many of these guys, that’s almost all they hear. The guys sometimes talk about the things prosecutors and judges said to them in court. “YOU are a danger.” “YOU are heartless.” “YOU are hopeless.” They laugh, but it makes me so angry. No wonder it’s so hard for my students to imagine other possibilities when people are telling them they are the problem, and essentially a lost cause.

In another instance, we got a student who was reportedly called a “Young Ted Bundy” by his psych examiner. I have not read what was written, but the term was put out there. This bothered me because 1) no one knew Ted Bundy was going to be Ted Bundy when he was a kid, and 2) it feels like a cover-your-ass statement. If he makes through treatment and becomes a productive adult, then they can celebrate curing a potential serial killer. If nothing changes for the kid, then they say that it’s a pity, but they always knew something was off about him.

(By the way, the boy in question turns out to be an awkward preteen who struggles with empathy, which is likely connected to his under-addressed autism).

In all these cases, what the kid did ABSOLUTELY needs to be taken seriously. But is using dramatic, derisive, or fear-based language actually taking it seriously? Is shoving them aside and getting them out of “nicer” communities really a wise choice?

​Maybe treating these kids as humans with innate dignity while addressing the dangerous behaviors takes the problem more seriously. These are kids who need help growing up. We were all kids who needed help growing up.