Ups & Downs

At the end of yesterday's 21.5 mile trek wondering why the hell I love doing this to myself.

The past two weeks were a roller coaster.

A naive part of me expected the decision to choose calm would mean I would feel calm in all situations. This is not the case. Despite choosing calm, I have not felt calm much of the time.

I am generally resilient and able to go with the flow. My semi-detached attitude has served me well in this respect. However, as I’m being more intentional about investing in my desired outcomes, the negative thoughts have been increasingly noisy. I started to feel panicked that I was yet again being a fool for even think about wanting things. It got to the point early last week I about had a meltdown in Walmart because the very kind associate was unable to replace my watch battery. A simple errand and I can’t even get that?!

I’m learning – again – that decisions like this are ongoing. They are made every day, every moment. While on my long run yesterday (the last before the race in two weeks!) I realized that choosing calm is less about remaining chill and more about facing what makes me anxious.

An example of this is that I worried a lot last week about some messages I’d sent a friend. I knew they had all kinds of life happening and did not expect a response. At the same time, in the silence, I started wondered if I’d over-stepped my bounds. I feared would be seen as pestering instead of encouraging; burdensome instead helpful. I was also concerned that I was making unnecessary allowances and minimizing myself again.

So, after my run, I sent a short note clarifying my intent. I felt better. They’re still working through their stuff, but they have a little better understanding of my style of support. And I have a better idea of how to show them encouragement.

This is something I’m want to do more of: intentionally act upon the thing that is troubling me. I find that most of my problems are me worrying about something I try to rationalize as no big deal. Well, it must be some kind of deal or I wouldn’t be thinking about it so much.

Sometimes the troublesome thing is subtle. Talking again about the race, this whole time I’ve been thinking about needing to run it, while allowing myself to walk as much as I need. Another long-run revelation was that this is setting me up for disappointment. While I would love to run the whole thing, that isn’t feasible. The reality is that although I can run for quite awhile, it also leaves me vulnerable to more neuro issues and other symptoms. I will reach a point where I can’t run any more and will just have to walk.

However, I can walk quite briskly for long periods of time with almost no problems. I can drink water without stomach issues and don’t experience double vision. Why this is the case is beyond me. My fast walk isn’t much slower than my slow jog, but there you go.

So, I’ve decided to approach this race as a fast-paced hike where any amount of running is a bonus. This way, I’m less likely to cause my body to glitch out. It’ll be more enjoyable and more relaxed.

I feeling calm and confident tonight. I know anxious times will be in my future. Here's to choosing well!

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This quote has been really helpful as I've been thinking through things. I'm sorry that I don't know who to credit.