Not Where We Want to Be...

My friend, Kasi, mid-hike in Capital Reef National Park

​...but the direction is good!

One reason I think I should write these posts more often is I tend to only write when I have heavy thoughts. It makes sense. Writing is a way that I process. Heavy thoughts require more heavy lifting.

It is also crazy to me how crazy the past several years have been. I don't think of myself as someone who lives a dramatic life. I am quiet and go with the flow. This is true of me. I am happiest when I am "in the flow," as my friend, Sage, describes it.

(Sidenote: calling everyone Friend and other vague titles was getting confusing. I''m going to start using pseudonyms. They may or may not be used consistently).

The biggest turmoils of my life is when I've wrestled with my circumstances and tried to avoid the things I very much needed to face. After decades of stubborness, I've finally come to accept that if there's something I very much want to ignore, the fastest and best way to move forward is to deal with it. Ignoring does nothing.

I am tempted to go on with the flow analogy (or cars sliding on ice, or running down a rocky hill, or many other examples from the physical world), but the point is that learning to accept situations as they are are has absolutely made my life better. Not easier - this is VERY important - but better.

Hard and heartbreaking things happen. Facing them and taking steps to understand is hard hard hard. However, it doesn't have the added shame and anxiety that comes with feeling inadaquate, or like I made a mistake, or that I need to fix it, or that it was some sort of punishment. Letting go of the poisonous "should've, could've, would've" dialogue is amazing. Highly recommend.

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One of the biggest benefits, for me, is being able to enjoy the good things that come in conjunction with the heartbreak. So, after that loooong introduction, that what I want to write about. Within the chaos of the past several months, some amazing things have happened. Things worth celebrating. Things that may have never have taken place if it wasn't for the hard.

1. I have successfully changed my seizure medication and the results are AMAZING. I don't have words to describe how much I relief I feel knowing my emotions are entirely my own. The incident described in my previous two posts led my to noticing the shift. It's fabulous. I mention this first not because it is the most important, but because it plays an important role in my ability to recognize everything else on this list.
2. In mid-March, one of my favorite people, Jason, suddenly found himself dealing with a completely unfair and horrible situation instigated by TMN (short for The Manipulative Narcissist. That alternative name is no a exageration and is kinder than they deserve). TMN has history of valuing their emotions over anything else and actively takes steps to enable the narrative around them. The key event from March was another in a long line of others designed to make TMN look like a victim and a martyr, while absolving them from any responsiblity. However, while the situation is absolutely shitty and has far-reaching impact, Jason is responding like a champ. He's not accepting the blame. He is not appologizing or bowing under the accusations. He not believe the picture of him that TMN paints. He is keeping his eye on the Big Picture and seeking help from reliable sources. Yes, he is hurt. Yes, he is angry. Yes, he is struggling with the next steps. And he is moving through it. He understands that the outcome he hopes for, we all hope for, is too important to rush towards. That is his superpower. He is amazing.
3. Another friend, Peter, has also been dealing with hard things. For a while, he was depressed and fatalistic. Since Christmas, he's been taking active steps to get out of that pattern. This includes shifting his job and his social patterns. The changes in him are subtle and significant. Recently, he was telling me stories and just laughing. Truly laughing. It was beautiful. 
4. During my spring break in March, I went to visit my friend, Kasi, in Utah. This trip was important for two reasons. First, it gave me a chance to reset. I left a few days after Jason's situation exploded, and I needed a pause to consider my role in helping (because, yes, I do have a role). Secondly, and more signifacantly, Kasi and I hadn't seen each other in about eight years. When she moved away, things weren't great better us. Tensions were high and it didn't look like we'd ever be able to resolve our conflict. I honestly thought we'd never talk again. However, life happened, and their was humbling on both sides. We both grew in the areas that were lacking. It was wonderful hanging out just like old times. We didn't talk about our old issues, not because we were avoiding them, but because we were healed.