In Between

 I am in a writing mood but don’t know what to say. This is a time of waiting, which often means there’s not a lot to report. Yet, things are Happening. Changing. Developing.

I still feel calm. Not 100% of the time, but remarkably so. Often these in-between times are a source of anxiety, my head filled with circular thoughts that will not stop. Something is different this time. Despite being fully aware that things may not go the way I would like, I don’t feel flustered by those possibilities. I am where I should be. This is a new feeling and I like it.

I am choosing the calm.

The calmness is carrying over into my thoughts about the race, now 25 days away. I am woefully under trained and that’s okay. I’m doing what I can and I believe I’ll enjoy the experience. I’m already enjoying just running to run. I didn’t realize how much the shame I was experiencing for not being as healthy as my pre-seizure self until I started leaving those thoughts behind. It will be good to let go of that completely.

I am choosing the calm.

My new job is, well, new, and I’m starting to get a handle on what I need to do. As to be expected, the bureaucracy is a bit much. My fellow teachers are great, but some members of the support staff are misreading quieter style and thinking I need help when I don’t. A lot of this is intensely frustrating and needs to stop. At the same time, it’s nice to see how much more confident I am as a teacher than in years past. I am able to keep my cool and not lose sleep. Things are improving. Mostly.

I am choosing the calm.