Erasure

In early elementary school, I lived a few houses up the road from my best friend. Now I would describe her as a classic frenemy, but beginning in first grade, we were definitely Best Friends. We were both on swim team and could carpool. We had the same teacher in 2nd and 3rd grade. We were able to walk to each other’s house regularly. We had the freedom to ride bikes all over the neighborhood and meet up with other friends. Total besties.

However, there would be these inexplicable periods when I couldn’t do anything right. Like, without warning a recess I’d be greeted with, “Go away, Dorothy. I’m playing with Elle and we’re not your friend.” Then, a day or two later, it was like it never happened. I, being the good BFF that I am, of course forgave her.

It was always confusing because I never knew what caused it. Also, “Elle” was rarely the same person and I don’t remember her, whoever she was, really being in on it much.

All this hot and cold came to a head in the middle of third grade, when she went cold to the point of becoming full on cruel. Man, she was mean, and it lasted weeks. At one point I wrote her an apology note because I had no idea why she was so mad at me. She tore it up on the bus in front of everyone.
Eventually, our teacher, thoroughly sick of us, sent us to the restroom to work it out. I remember shouting at each other before ultimately hugging it out. We made it through the remaining few months of school with our Best Friend status reinstated. Then, at the end of the summer, my family moved several states away.
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Summer between 2nd & 3rd. I don't remember her teasing about my teeth or glasses. Clearly, she wasn't an idiot. I looked FABULOUS!

​I bring this story up, because, about three years later, we moved back to that area. Seeing her again was actually a lot of fun. In our reminiscing, I brought up the Big Fight of Third Grade. She denied having any memory of it. My twelve-year-old self was floored and dropped pretty quickly, REALLY?!?! One of the most traumatic events of my childhood and the key second party claimed to have no memory?!?! My younger brother, who was SIX at the time, remembers how bad it was.

That day, when I got back to family and told my mom about her lack of memory, I was sobbing. I didn’t understand why it cut so much, but man that sucked. Now I know the term gaslighting (great movie, by the way), and there is a lot of public discourse on how it is used as manipulation an abuse tactic. That’s not the goal of this blog post, though.

Before I go further, I do want to pause to wrap things regarding my young frenemy. While I will never fully understand why she denied remembering our fight, she was 11, and 11 will 11. As for what happened in 3rd grade, from things my parents have said about her upbringing and my own adult perspective, she faced a lot of why-can’t-you comparisons. To be frank, my third-grade year was stellar. I was involved in some really stand-out extracurriculars that would take at least 257 blog entries to do justice. Even with how she treated me, it was by far my best school year. In conclusion, she’s not someone I wish to ever see again, however, I wish her well.

Back to why I’m writing this blog: Those events were important because they heavily contributed to my decision not to let people get close enough to hurt me.

As you may have guessed, that didn’t go well.

Among other flaws, it turns out our brains are beautifully made with a limbic system and is intricately designed to manage and process emotions. It is anatomically separate from the more cognitive portions but integrated with overall network to allow for the processing of memories, motivations, and other complex thoughts. Like anything brain-related, we are only just beginning to understand how this all works, but this is one thing the scientists seem to agree upon when it comes to the function of the limbic system: EMOTIONS WILL BE EXPRESSED. We can only store them for so long, then they start coming out one way or another.

In other words, we cannot choose to erase our own emotions.

via GIPHY

Lately I’ve been wondering how choosing to pretend events never happen affects the denier. In a way, it’s more rational than emotional, but since the limbic system contributes heavily to memory…? Is this why some people suddenly become overcome by guilt?

Recent events have me wondering how erasure affects people at the cultural level. Think about it:

1. Culture is formed by people and has a lot rational and emotional traits in common.
2. Claiming witnessed events did not happen “that way” is a form of gaslighting. Therefore, it is bound to have an impact on members of that culture.
3. EMOTIONS WILL COME OUT, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

 
Now that I am at the end, I realize I needed to tell that story from my childhood to arrive at the following question: when you consider the way we are designed – our brains, DNA, trees, fungal networks, the interconnectedness gorgeousness of absolutely everything – how could history possibly be erased? 

Keep telling the stories.