Calm

​ I felt calm around you. I felt many other things as well, but calm...calm stands out. It was grounding, giving everything else more substance. Excitement without getting ahead of myself. Sadness without despairing. Comforted without worrying I’m being burdensome. Concern without fretting. Around you, I felt naturally present in the moment in a way unfamiliar to me.

I’ve felt many things since you told me your news. You’ve chosen yourself for all the right reasons, and my respect for you has multiplied. You’ve chosen to face what’s in front of you, and, cheesy as it sounds, I feel proud.

Looking at you, I feel nothing but supportive.

Looking at myself...*sigh*...

I have a long history of people taking me for granted. It’s honestly something I don’t like to think about. Yes, I’ve gotten to a point where I can talk openly about the deeply rooted insecurity that I’m not worth remembering. But taking a collective look at the stories that gave that root life? No, thank you.

Those stories are the reason I feel anxious and distrustful of people’s motives. They’re the reason I keep a distance. They're the reason certain situations make me cringe so hard with shame. They’re reason that, the day after we talked, I was ugly crying in my car, nearly panicked.

It was happening again. Another person I liked and cared about was moving on and leaving me behind. I’d fulfilled my role.

Yet that’s not what happened. In those other stories – the stories I don’t look at but they shape life my all same – in those, the other parties never saw me. Not really. You saw me, though. You considered me as you faced yourself and started taking the necessary steps. You didn’t avoid me. You didn’t lie, deflect, or make excuses. You were honest.

I don’t know what is next, but I do know I want a new narrative. Yes, these things happened to me. Yes, they are painful to recall. Yes, there are risks. It is time. I know it is time because once I decided to tell these stories as they are, the panic subsided. I want to tell you my stories. I want to hear yours.

I feel calm about you. That’s worth paying attention to.

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