Amplified

Day 2 of the EEG, before the prescribed sleep deprivation and other efforts to safely induce events. I look so chipper!

 Last week, December 4-9, I spent the week in the hospital getting an EEG. It was a prearranged test to see what all is happening in my brain. Basically, I was hooked up to electrodes, taken off my meds, and watched on camera while the neurology team tried to capture and record my events.

Going into it, such a long and extensive test felt excessive. After all, I am not that sick. However, that’s why this test was needed; if I was sicker, the simpler tests would’ve shown something. Also, while I am high functioning, the reality is that I’m operating at the edge of what I can manage. I have been for a long time. This is not sustainable.

The EEG helped, I think. They were able to confirm that my:

1. left temporal lobe is low-key feisty with seizure-prone tenancies.
2. spells of static and loss of coordination are not seizure related.
3. current medication is likely involved in making my moods moodier.

I won’t know the full implications or next steps until my follow-up next month, but so far I feel very affirmed. I do have seizures and I do have symptoms that aren’t explained by seizures. I am not crazy or overreacting. It’s not all in my head (except for the fact that it is).

The meds amplify my positive moods as well as the negative. The weekend before Thanksgiving I visited a friend in Arizona. As you can see, I was quite jolly!

I am most looking forward to potentially changing my meds to something that’ll let my emotions stabilize. I always knew depression was a possible side effect, but it wasn’t until my dosage was increased in mid-October that I became aware of the impact.

If you look back at my entries from September and early October, you can see that a lot was going on. I know I kept things broad and vague, but you can see that my thoughts were heavy. At the same time, I felt calm. Sad as I was, I was also calm.

When my dosage bumped up, the calm retreated. My emotions became bigger and more erratic. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the fight with my dad happened the week after the change,

The previous times the amount was increased, my mood would be off for a few days then settle down. This time, the off-ness has stayed. The mood swings aren’t quite so big, but I am still off. Having a break from them last week, then resuming has made it apparent the meds aren’t an innocent bystander.

The medication problem will be resolved soon enough. I can hang in there another month. The tricky part is that this has been a rough few months. There are reasons to be sad; things to face and things to walk away from. Knowing my sadness is being amplified makes it harder to decide what to do, what to address. Do I take steps now or wait until I’m feeling more level? I don’t quite trust that anything I do – either waiting or acting – won’t be giving the sadness too much power.

As I muddle my way through this, I’m trying to keep from isolating myself so much. Trying to be honest with people without over-sharing. Trying to not take things too personally or cynically. Trying to remember what I’ve learned and how I’ve grown.

I am tired and I am sad and this is not forever.

Hopefully.

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