In early elementary school, I lived a few houses up the road from my best friend. Now I would describe her as a classic frenemy, but beginning in first grade, we were definitely Best Friends. We were both on swim team and could carpool. We had the same teacher in 2nd and 3rd grade. We were able to walk to each other’s house regularly. We had the freedom to ride bikes all over the neighborhood and meet up with other friends. Total besties.

However, there would be these inexplicable periods when I couldn’t do anything right. Like, without warning a recess I’d be greeted with, “Go away, Dorothy. I’m playing with Elle and we’re not your friend.” Then, a day or two later, it was like it never happened. I, being the good BFF that I am, of course forgave her.

It was always confusing because I never knew what caused it. Also, “Elle” was rarely the same person and I don’t remember her, whoever she was, really being in on it much.

All this hot and cold came to a head in the middle of third grade, when she went cold to the point of becoming full on cruel. Man, she was mean, and it lasted weeks. At one point I wrote her an apology note because I had no idea why she was so mad at me. She tore it up on the bus in front of everyone.
Eventually, our teacher, thoroughly sick of us, sent us to the restroom to work it out. I remember shouting at each other before ultimately hugging it out. We made it through the remaining few months of school with our Best Friend status reinstated. Then, at the end of the summer, my family moved several states away.
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​I bring this story up, because, about three years later, we moved back to that area. Seeing her again was actually a lot of fun. In our reminiscing, I brought up the Big Fight of Third Grade. She denied having any memory of it. My twelve-year-old self was floored and dropped pretty quickly, REALLY?!?! One of the most traumatic events of my childhood and the key second party claimed to have no memory?!?! My younger brother, who was SIX at the time, remembers how bad it was.

That day, when I got back to family and told my mom about her lack of memory, I was sobbing. I didn’t understand why it cut so much, but man that sucked. Now I know the term gaslighting (great movie, by the way), and there is a lot of public discourse on how it is used as manipulation an abuse tactic. That’s not the goal of this blog post, though.

Before I go further, I do want to pause to wrap things regarding my young frenemy. While I will never fully understand why she denied remembering our fight, she was 11, and 11 will 11. As for what happened in 3rd grade, from things my parents have said about her upbringing and my own adult perspective, she faced a lot of why-can’t-you comparisons. To be frank, my third-grade year was stellar. I was involved in some really stand-out extracurriculars that would take at least 257 blog entries to do justice. Even with how she treated me, it was by far my best school year. In conclusion, she’s not someone I wish to ever see again, however, I wish her well.

Back to why I’m writing this blog: Those events were important because they heavily contributed to my decision not to let people get close enough to hurt me.

As you may have guessed, that didn’t go well.

Among other flaws, it turns out our brains are beautifully made with a limbic system and is intricately designed to manage and process emotions. It is anatomically separate from the more cognitive portions but integrated with overall network to allow for the processing of memories, motivations, and other complex thoughts. Like anything brain-related, we are only just beginning to understand how this all works, but this is one thing the scientists seem to agree upon when it comes to the function of the limbic system: EMOTIONS WILL BE EXPRESSED. We can only store them for so long, then they start coming out one way or another.

In other words, we cannot choose to erase our own emotions.

Lately I’ve been wondering how choosing to pretend events never happen affects the denier. In a way, it’s more rational than emotional, but since the limbic system contributes heavily to memory…? Is this why some people suddenly become overcome by guilt?

Recent events have me wondering how erasure affects people at the cultural level. Think about it:

1. Culture is formed by people and has a lot rational and emotional traits in common.
2. Claiming witnessed events did not happen “that way” is a form of gaslighting. Therefore, it is bound to have an impact on members of that culture.
3. EMOTIONS WILL COME OUT, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

 
Now that I am at the end, I realize I needed to tell that story from my childhood to arrive at the following question: when you consider the way we are designed – our brains, DNA, trees, fungal networks, the interconnectedness gorgeousness of absolutely everything – how could history possibly be erased? 

Keep telling the stories.

Two or three weeks ago, I was really wanting to share a big and encouraging update full of information about my new, official epilepsy update!

Yeah, that’s not going to happen. Still no diagnosis for this shaky lady.

It’s not all bad news, and there is progress, but …sigh… I felt pretty low after my follow-up appointment.

So, what do I know? Basically, not much.

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​The ambulatory EEG didn’t pick up any epileptic activity while I was experiencing symptoms. This is very common during focal aware seizures, which is what I am most likely having. They can affect only a tiny part of the brain and that can be hard to catch. Additionally, my symptoms experienced during the study were fairly mild; I’ve had much stronger.

The next step is additional medication. It’s being added incrementally and should reduce seizure symptoms. So, if it does – yay! – focal aware seizures it is!!! If not, it looks like I may have developed some kind of headache disorder. Evidently there is a significant overlap on the Venn diagram comparing the two.  Migraines, or the like, are not a desired diagnosis as that just would be another thing to have to deal with. No thank you.
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Looking into a comparison of both, I am confident enough I’m experiencing focal aware seizures to tell people who ask that is what’s going on. It not being official is frustrating, but I understand why the neurologist can’t give me an official diagnosis yet. The data is too qualitative. They need to make sure they’ve verified everything. And I respect that.

Now that I’ve reached the end, what are focal aware seizures exactly? They are a form of partial seizure that affects, as the name implies, only part of the brain. The person also maintains a certain amount of awareness. The auras many people experience before a large seizure are a focal aware seizure that eventually expand to affect the whole brain. However, they don’t always do this.

The symptoms of a focal aware seizure vary with the person and with it’s focal point within the brain. Very often, it’s a strong feeling of déjà vu or jamais vu. I have this. It’s weird, disorienting and scary. If, as a child, you ever had a really high fever, and, that night, you had a hallucinating nightnmare about Mary Poppins , that's the kind of disorienting and scary I'm talking about.

Sometimes words get really hard. I can’t form them or find them. Picture a brain fart with constipation. Words can also suddenly change their meaning and spelling, so my sentences no longer make sense. Other symptoms include strange acts of clumsiness, absentmindedness, or feelings of numb tingles. 

In summary, brains are weird. It’s no wonder that it takes time to figure out what’s going on.